Friday, April 2, 2010

Help! I've Been Oppressed!

Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves: I have been subjected to brutal oppression!

Less than an hour ago, in the parking lot of Nordstrom's in San Diego's UTC area, I was horribly victimized! It was a hate crime against atheists!

Well, I'm tired of adding italics so I'll get to the point. I came back from shopping and someone had pulled the Darwin fish off my car (see the fish-shaped dirt spot):

As you can see I was terribly put out by this:

As it would happen, just last week I was cleaning out my office and found some old bumper stickers and things I'd never stuck to anything. Somehow I had an extra Darwin fish sitting around and thought, "I should just throw this out." So guess what? When I got home I went right upstairs, pulled it out of the wastebasket and BLAMMO! This can only mean it's no coincidence, it was meant to be! And here it is, glowing in the halo of reason (that is, my garage light):

Fits great! Looks great! We got a winner! Get yours here.

The Lord only managed to deDarwinize my car for 20 minutes. Better luck next time Jesus!

On a more serious note: if you're reading this and you're still in the closet with your atheism, consider this: this "incident" is literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me in 36 years as the result of being an atheist. C'mon, what are you waiting for?


Brent Rasmussen said...

Heheh... A few years ago my wife drove my new truck with my Darwin Fish on it to California. She called a couple of days into the trip and was distraught, "Someone took your Darwin Fish!"

I told her to look in the center console. She did and found 3 additional "emergency replacement" Darwin Fish that I had put in there for just such an occasion.

The replacements were the magnetic ones. So she she started taking them off the truck whenever she parked anywhere, and put them back when she came back.

A few years before that, however, I did have a crazy street preacher try and get into my truck with me, trying to prevent me from leaving I think, during an exchange in a parking lot (that he started and that I just wanted to avoid, again, due to my Darwin Fish). He got out quick enough when I put my hand on my gun (hey, I live in Arizona), but the fact remains that it does get hairy out there from time to time. Not to mention the low-key discrimination at places of employment.

TGP said...

I'm sure it was just one of those godless atheist stealing your fish because he wanted it for his car, right?

No true Christian would have nicked it. Thou shalt not steal, et al.

Seriously, without your symbol of faith, weren't you automagically converted into a God-Fearing man?

Michael Caton said...

Wow, never had anyone try to get in the car with me. I do know that people have had worse issues than me, but I try to emphasize that for most people most of the time, it's not a big deal. I guess if I'd been discriminated against at work I might not know what opportunities I missed.

I haven't yet had a Christian commenter tell me I was jumping to conclusions that a Christian took the fishy, but I'm waiting for it; if I have to make a guess who it was, I would say it's people offended by it, and around these parts, that's (some) Christians.

TGP said...

Again, Mike, you're jumping to conclusions. Perhaps it was a Lamarckian.

In a few generations, his offspring will have excellent scraper nails and very long arms, allowing them to remove Darwin Fish faster than you can replace them.

By replacing the Fish, you're just giving him more opportunity to adapt and pass on the adaptation. You're creating a super-Lamarckian Darwin Fish remover.

Michael Caton said...

You're right, I think I saw a car with a giraffe bumper-sticker driving away.

It could have been a Wallacean as well, although I think Wallace had the basic mechanism right.

TGP said...

OK, Mr. Scientist, now it's time to narrow it down. Get yourself a whole assload of different viewpoint fish, giraffes, apples, and whatever stickers.

Load up your hatch door with them and record which ones get stolen in which parking lots. Plot that with GPS data and you'll know which kind of bigots live in which areas.

A fish-giraffe with 'Lamarck' on the neck would be friggin' sweet and probably piss off everyone! Also, it would look like a plesiosaur.

Michael Caton said...

I think I'm just going to put a Lamarck fish on Cafe Press before someone else does.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha, loved the expression on your face when you put the new one on!